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Fear is a Liar

It’s been a while since I posted a blog. Mainly because we’ve been busy moving in to our new home which is a blessing on it’s own, we also renovated the kitchen, Connor started going to a new school, teaching him how to drive, and so on. In short, Life happens. But if you notice, these are all good things so why did I dragged my feet writing another blog? FEAR. My scan from 3 months ago showed that I have no sign of tumors. It doesn’t mean that I am technically cancer free because I carry a gene that is broken. I started re-taking my oral chemo which has been problematic because of all the side effects. My oncologist and I decided to pause the intake until they can find a better solution, another pill to take with manageable side effects. Fear and anxiety creeps in every once in a while, I try to nip it in the butt as soon as I recognize it but I’m not always successful. Mind is such a powerful part of a human body. It can lead someone to greatness, mediocrity or destruction.
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Chemo diary 1

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1/27/17 Update We went back to Boston yesterday to find out the next step on my treatments. I saw it coming but it is still surreal to learn that I will need to start chemo asap. My cancer started as Non-small lung cancer with a cell mutation, but through my recent biopsy I've developed a "small cell" cancer that will not respond to Tarceva which is the pill that I currently take as an oral chemo. Long story short, we will tackle the cancer the old fashion chemotherapy way. They will give me a very aggressive dose and it can take up to 6 rounds. Per round is 3 consecutive days, every 3 weeks of getting IV infusion of 2 different medicines. The Oncologists are positive that I can handle it because I'm still young, I'm strong and I'm positive. We're discouraged obviously but I kept telling Kevin that we were blessed that we didn't go through this 15 months ago when I was dealing with the loss if my grandfather, my dad being sick, and dealing
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Choose to be happy 2018

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Hello dear friends, I hope that my New England frozen chosens are keeping warm and safe during this blizzard. One benefit is we can snuggle under a warm blanket while sipping on a steaming hot beverage reading/napping/watching shows. Nonetheless, I come with a sad news. There hasn't been much of an update until this morning. A few weeks ago I started to feel a dull pain around my rib area/ upper abdomen. This week the pain escalated to intermittent sharp pains and discomfort. I called my doctor yesterday, she called me back this morning because it took her some time to read my CT scan from Tuesday. It showed that the cancer cells built resistance and immunity from my oral chemo so Tarceva isn't working anymore. My Nodules and Lymph nodes are also changing, they are getting bigger. (To what rapid and what size, I still have to find out next week). The fluid is also slowly filling up my right lung and that were the discomfort is coming from. My local oncologist reached
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Location: Derry, NH 03038, USA
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Hitting Rock Bottom

Have you ever experienced the feeling of “Hitting Rock Bottom”? That you’ve had enough? Felt defeated and there’s no hope? Have you ever felt that you have reached your limit and in any minute you’ll burst? Was there ever a time in your life that you felt empty that you just don’t want to even open your eyes and get out of bed? Or felt like your world has shattered to pieces and you are just struggling to get back up? Something inside you snapped and things changed from then on. I haven’t written anything in awhile not because I was busy, it’s because I had no drive, no desire and because I never want to sound that I’m complaining. But today I had the push to do it. On top of my own daily struggles, I found out that my dad has been dealing with serious medical issues for a couple months now, to be honest the first emotion I felt was numbness. I was in denial that my father is sick. I’ve known him to be this strong person who came to rescue me when I’m in trouble or just having i
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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Life is like a dance to me, there's a lot of different rhythm, beat, type of dancer and type of music.  Dance= Life Dancer= Person Music= Circumstance Rhythm and beat= How a person is dealing with the situation. My music right now is a sad slow sleepy cringy and makes you want to cover your ear type of jam.  My Rhythm is slow at first but now getting to a point where I want to break it down and do some Zumba moves because I'm tired of listening to the sad and slow music. What I am trying to say is it has been a tough and discouraging week for me. My miracle medicine (Tarceva) has some nasty side effects and my body is paying for it. I took it for 7 days and had to stop because I had no energy, my stomach was unstable, and the worse part is mouth sores and angry pustules/rashes all over my face. I get that there are some great effects that this modern medicine can do about my cancer, But I questioned at what cost? I missed a whole week from work because I c
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THANKSGIVING

There are so many ideas that comes to mind once the Month of October hits. I think of what crafts I should make, what food I should cook for Thanksgiving, and I also start planning on what to buy for presents. November is the start of Holiday events, in short it starts to get busy. But how many times do we sit still, welcome God's presence and just give thanks to Him that we made it this far this year? As I reflect on the past few years, I realize how much I have focused on "preparing" for the Holiday season. Being busy trying get everything set up became an "idol". I focused too much on making sure that the menu is perfect and the decorations are on point. Thanksgiving Day is not even something that I grew up celebrating, but it consumed so much of my time that I forgot the real meaning of it. What does it mean anyway? Wikipedia says that it is celebrated as a day of giving thanks for the blessing of the harvest and of the preceding year. T
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Warning: Long Post. It took me a while to get back to writing another post. To be honest I didn’t want to until I have all the test results back. Kevin has been trying to encourage me to write as a way of de-compressing my thoughts and also help me with stress management. When stressed, I tend to hide. Under duress, I become very quiet. I coast along with life like nothing’s bothering me. I tend to bottle things up and I don’t do that on purpose. The set back is, last week one of my doctors called and told me that 3 of my blood tests were negative. If this is your first time reading my blog, we were hoping for positive tests on the 3 genetic mutation tests so I can treat my cancer with a pill and skip chemotherapy. I had such high hopes that I will pass one of them. But when I didn’t my heart broke. It’s still hard for me to process the information because this could mean chemo, sick out of my stomach, not being able to work, burdening others for help and change in appearance.
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