Warning: Long Post.
It took me a while to get back to writing another post. To be honest I didn’t want to until I have all the test results back. Kevin has been trying to encourage me to write as a way of de-compressing my thoughts and also help me with stress management.
When stressed, I tend to hide. Under duress, I become very quiet. I coast along with life like nothing’s bothering me. I tend to bottle things up and I don’t do that on purpose.
The set back is, last week one of my doctors called and told me that 3 of my blood tests were negative. If this is your first time reading my blog, we were hoping for positive tests on the 3 genetic mutation tests so I can treat my cancer with a pill and skip chemotherapy. I had such high hopes that I will pass one of them. But when I didn’t my heart broke.
It’s still hard for me to process the information because this could mean chemo, sick out of my stomach, not being able to work, burdening others for help and change in appearance. I know that it is not the right mind set and I know that a lot of people loves me and are willing to help me but I need to release my frustrations. Kevin made a good point the other day, That I’ve been very quiet about the whole thing. I need to feel anger towards the cancer, anger against the enemy for making my body sick. For sabotaging the very body that the Holy Spirit is living in. I need to feel sad that I feel pain and discomfort at times. I need to release all these negative emotions so they will stop eating me up from the inside. Out with the darkness and in with the light. Empty myself to be filled again.
Do I think that I deserve getting the cancer, or am I getting punished for my sins? I do deserve that and more. But with the blood of Jesus I’ve been cleansed and He calls me redeemed. He washed away my sins and made me white as snow. (1John4:4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.)
I continue to realize that without God, I am nothing. Where will my help comes from? Not from money, not from belongings, not from physical appearance or social status. I am talking about the help coming from the God who created the universe and the same God that I can call Father. Who can remember their earthly father’s warm embrace? Can you imagine how much more when our Heavenly Father wraps his arms around us? When I worship Him through songs, I feel His presence the most and it’s such a special moment. I’m grateful that I have a God that I can cry out to during hard times. I’m glad that I can go to Him when I am so desperate and have nowhere else to go, and tell Him that I’m tired. I’m getting kicked around and I can’t even lift up my face. My health is failing and daily life struggles won’t stop. God I don’t know what to do from here, and I feel so weak and helpless.
It’s ok to tell God that you are overwhelmed. It’s ok to tell Him that you need Him. He will not abandon you or forsake you. He calls us to cast our cares to Him. (Psalm 55:22 ESV Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.) He has an open invitation to everyone who wants to come to the altar. The best part is, it’s free. Come as you are. Do not wait and say but Lord, I’m dirty I need to make things right first before I can face you. God wants an encounter with you no matter where you are in life. Come to Him and he’ll cleanse you from your sins, and your name will be placed on the book of eternal life. Isn’t that an amazing offer? I am a bargain shopper, and that’s what I call a great deal. (John 3:16 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.)
Here’s my prayer request at the moment; The last test that they are currently doing is an extensive tissue test, please pray with me that if it’s God’s will, that the test will come back positive. Not my will but Yours be done Lord.
I pray that this post will help someone, for the glory of God’s kingdom.
I love you all and comment or message me if you need prayers.
Xoxo,
Wanderer

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